change what you see...?

I cannot change a lot of things in my life but i can change the way that i see them.>>>>>>> I often forget this and get mired in the doom and gloom of the current world/local/personal situation.>>>>>>> I won't speak of the politics of the US or the disaster that is climate change or the racism and hatred that is prevalent in too much of the world. I have accepted that i can do nothing about any of this and thinking about it just brings me down.>>>>>>> I won't speak of the COVID or bird flu or "as yet unnamed fatal infection du jour" crisis b/c i similarly can do nothing for that. I cannot develop a vaccine, discover a cure or even work in the wards to treat the affected persons.>>>>>>> I have a five-year journal that i write in. It is one of my favorite things and i was so glad to have found it after much searching. The way that it works is it has a page for every day of the year and five spaces, one for each year. There is just enough room, so says the introduction, to write a sentence of what is going on in your life that day. Then, you go to the next page the day after. I'm in my second year of this journal and can look back to where i was exactly a year earlier. This is sometimes a good thing, sparking good memories of joy that i was experiencing then but is often also painfully reflective.>>>>>>>>> I am not making the progress that i would wish to be able to say that i was. I have most of the same goals that i had over a year ago and seem to not have made much, if any, progress. I am not Spanish bilingual. I am not a perfect body. I still aggravate Joe on a too frequent basis (i'm a hot-mess..he's not). I have killed too many plants, inside and out with neglect and over/under-watering-- crap gardener. This was really getting me down but i decided to apply the earlier statement (see blue) to try to refocus.>>>>>>> This week's stressor? I am not bilingual in español. I am still unable to understand the radio announcer, the person that i pass on the street on my walk or even Dora the Explorer on YouTube. I had been doing Duolingo for going on three years (!!) and am not as far towards my goal of being bilingual as i had thought that i would be.>>>>>>> I stopped doing the Duolingo because, rather then just doing it for an hour or until i had a certain number of "lingots", i would just do it until i was crying, inside or out. This was not good for mty mental health and, honestly, not good for my education either. I was not approaching "bilingual" and just beating myself up. Using a tool that i heard from a therapist once..."treat yourself as you would your 5 year old child". I would not continue to subect my daughter to the daily pain of failure and frustration. I instead switched to reading french each day and looking up (and studying!) the words that i don't know (or...worse....knew and forgot). Not having kids around to immerse myself and them in french, it falls away. :-(>>>>>>> I find that i was sad by the "forced isolation" of COVID. What is the right answer? Should i socialize more and be ok with exposing myself to five or ten people? Is it ok to go to a restaurant if the tables are far apart? Is the warehouse club or the grocery or the discount store "safe"? Is anywhere "safe"? Can i have friends over (outside but still)(up to ten people, everyone that we know here!) for a Thanksgiving potluck? Do i go to the US to visit or is it too much of a risk? What level of risk am i comfortable with? >>>>>>> Unlike math (2+2=4, every. single. time.), there are no "right" answers. Just a series of wrong answers and uncertainty. Is this person wrong for going away for the weekend with friends? Is this person wrong for not leaving their house for six months and getting everything from groceries to kitty litter to pizza delivered? Can we ever know that what we are doing is right for us or will we always wonder, worry and waffle (what seems safe and right one day doesn't the next)?>>>>>>> I just do what i know/think that i know to do and hope and pray that it's right. Do i do the right thing? Who knows? I am just doing what feels (today) like the right thing for me. I am weighing the cost/benefit ratio of everything and trying to find the right balance. Am i as careful as i should be? Again, it's not math. >>>>>>> You know what we all need? Something that we can rely on. Comfort food. And what is the definition of comfort food? Creamy, sweet, luscious, indulgent and cool.>>>>>>> VANILLA PUDDING>>>>>>> This is supposed to serve 4....but, again, i won't judge.>>>>>>> This is the best that i've had (ok, Jello pudding is easier and faster and the Handi-Packs are even faster but, really, comfort at its best comes from your own kitchen. You can bask in the glory that you accomplished something-- made pudding from scratch!-- and reward yourself with a bowl or two-- i won't judge-- of the fruits of your labor!)>>>>>>> 1-3/4 C milk (2%, whole, whatever)>>>>>>> 1/4-1/2C sugar (your preference, i like the 1/2C....live it up!)>>>>>>> 1/4C milk>>>>>>> 2T cornstarch>>>>>>> 1 egg (or egg white only...)>>>>>>> 1T butter>>>>>>> 1t vanilla extract>>>>>>> bring sugar and 1-3/4C milk to boil in saucepan over medium heat, stirring often>>>>>> mix 1/4C cold milk and 2T cornstarch together and set aside>>>>>>> crack egg in coffee cup and beat with fork, set aside>>>>>>> when milk/sugar has come to light boil, remove a ladle-full and pour over egg in coffee cup, mixing well with fork, to temper the egg>>>>>>> add egg/milk back to saucepan and stir in milk/cornstarch mixture and butter>>>>>>> bring to light boil and, stirring nearly constantly, allow to boil lightly for 2-3 minutes or until thickening>>>>>>> remove from heat, stir in vanilla extract>>>>>>> portion in to individual bowls (or not), cover and put in fridge>>>>>>> can eat warm as it is, cold, add left-over rice and a sprinkle of cinnamon to make "rice pudding"(Hubster's favorite), add sliced banana and a broken up cookie to make individual banana pudding (my favorite!)>>>>>>> ***can use almond extract instead or maple extract and brown sugar instead of white