JACE!!! and Christian and Jennifer....and me....

My son and his girlfriend/partner are in the hospital _right now_ being induced to deliver their son, Jace Rowen Rossi. It's an exciting time for all of them. This is a never-to-be-repeated time for them as they will never have a second "first". Jennifer started the 29 November BIG pregnant (b/c everyone is BIG pregnant at 39 weeks...) with Jace bopping around in her belly and will start, God willing, 1 December with Jace in her arms. While she may have other children, this will always be the first. While she will hold Jace many, many times, this will be the first. They are very excited...but also sleeping now as the induction is taking a loooooooong time (7+ hours already and it's only 0707). I know that this is SO not all about me but this blog is so i dump here. You can stop reading and it's still an exciting time. I'll update when/if i know more. Check out Facebook and Instagram as i am sure that they will be posting pictures galore! I am sad today. I am happy for them;dont' misunderstand. I am just remembering my own first delivery of my daughter and my delivery with Christian. Remembering their "infanthoods" and childhoods. And, with Christian becoming a father, being reminded that they are no longer my children. Just another step away from me. Another life event that i won't be a part of. Another example of my being in the senesce of my life. That there is one less thing to live for. I have raised my children to independent adulthood. They haven't _needed_ me for years, i know. But this just slams that home even more. I am not even on the fringes of their lives but am a part of their past. I will no more be a part of this child's life than i am to the lives of any of the other babies being born at Presbyterian Hospital of New Mexico (where they are now). And, i am nostalgic for the days of being where they are. The excitement of things to come and a life unfolding. Like a souffle rising and expanding in an oven. Like a flower blossom opening. They are living in the present but also the future with so much to anticipate. Where i am now is a life of past. The souffle collapsing on itself. The blossom wilting with the petals drying out and falling to the ground. No anticipation for the future but full of good memories of the past (and the knowledge of how i might have done some things, many things, differently). I will, of course, not share any of this with the happy family in Albuquerque. I will mirror their joy and wonder at the coming of new life and all the changes that they will enjoy over the coming days, weeks and years. But, deep inside, once i'm off the ZOOM call or Insta message, i will feel the pang of loss inside. Caffeine and chocolate help many short spurts of sadness but this is beyond even Diet Coke and KitKat. Some feelings cannot be masked but must be felt. I will see them in January. I am hoping that i'll feel happy-happy, joy-joy by then or can at least appear that way to them. They deserve all the happiness that they can get, all the happiness that i felt as a maman of my children.