who _are_ these people?

So, i went to the memorial service for my father last week in Ohio. It was rather unreal. There must have been forty people milling about, chatting with each other and watching a video of 50 pictures of my father that repeated every minute.

I rode there (and stayed with) my sister and her family (husband and two cute kids). I saw my father's wife and his sister, her husband and her son. My sister and her husband were pretty busy with the kids. I watched the film/pictures and looked at the flowers. Then it struck me what was so odd. Other than the aforementioned people, i knew no one.

The father of my childhood had been gone for a long time, replaced by this person that i didn't really know.

His BFF of the past 12 years (that was how he started his presentation), Greg, got up to speak at the formal ceremony after the two hour visitation. He spoke of different events over the past years, told a couple stories then sat down. I not only didn't know any of the stories, i didn't even know that there was a Greg.

A couple other people got up to speak, relate stories of the Paul that they were mourning and missing that day. Other than his friend from college (60's), i again knew no one. And didn't know the story that Bruce related.

So, while there was much crying on the part of many of the attendees, i didn't cry. The man that they were mourning wasn't the father of my childhood. He left long ago. The ceremony just further drove home that fact.

Maybe it just hasn't hit me (so say others). Or maybe i'm just a cold bitch (so i've also been told). Or maybe i'm just relieved that he is out of the pain and discomfort that were the bookends of the last couple years of his life.

Having been the only person in our family to have left (except Elizabeth), i've been "out of the loop" of the family for so long that it just doesn't seem like i'm still a part of the family. I have my little family here (for a while, until they leave too). But the rest of the families, on both sides, with their dramas and stories and continued lives, seem so separated. Not only geographically but psychologically and emotionally. We're not involved in the day-to-day with the families so when something happens, good or bad, we hear about it in short bursts. We're not party to the gradual, only hearing the results.

No more weddings or births of new babies. We're now in the season of sickness, funerals and decline. Happy, happy, joy, joy.

Time to go back to work. Save lives. Smile at patients and families. Give out stickers and narcotics and discharge instructions. Hurry home to drive kids to their fun Friday night events.

Thanks for letting me babble at you. :o)