i'm a creep

When we started on our journey to moving to Costa Rica, waaay back in 2018, we started on Duolingo to learn Spanish. Every day, 1-2 hours of lessons and practice. I did this for four years with the ideal of one day being out and hearing the Spanish and just being able to respond. To "think in Spanish" as i used to "think in French". To be able to chat with locals, read menues, live my life in Costa Rica as successfully as in the US. This, i came to realize, was a fantasy, not an ideal. After years of Duolingo, even if i was saying the right words, the accent was wrong and i was not understood. Even the program into which i had to repeat phrases or answer questions would "misunderstand" me and mark my response as wrong. And, i still had to hear the basic Spanish, translate to English in my head, think of my response, then translate that back to Spanish that i could say. This did not make for any communication at all. So, after years of daily frustration (i would base my study time on "do it until you cry, then call it a day"), i gave up and went back to studying French again.>>>>>>> Yes, i had been bilingual with my kids for years but if you don't use it, you lose it (like muscles with gym attendance). I then found that the French that i knew, i had forgotten much of. The former fluidity was not there. And, even the new things that i was learning (read a book, look up words that i don't know), i had a harder time retaining and recalling. Daily studies show that i often am "relearning" things that i knew a month, a year, 10 years ago. >>>>>I was a failure at Spanish and, going back to French, have found that i'm a failure there too. >>>>> I"m fifty-seven (57!) years old...i should be a grown-up by now. But, i find that i still make BIG mistakes that have lasting poor consequences. I post incendiary things on Facebook when i don't fully think through the sequellae. I shoot off at the mouth in frustration or anger or pain...only to find that my words, contrary to the children's rhyme of "sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me", have caused lasting damage to relationships on and off the 'net. I cycle through friends too much, losing dear friends because of my brusqueness. In short, i'm a creep. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5t9IXtTr6g) >>>>> It is the end of the year. I will be celebrating Christmas with my family this weekend on a trip to the US. Thus, it is a time to assess where i am in life, where i want to be, and where i thought that i would/should be. >>>>>In short, i'm a failure. I don't deserve the family and friends that i have and too often poison those relationships. The iron test of worth to me has always been "if i met me, would i want to be my friend? would i want to be with me?">>>>>>>In the past, this had been "yes, i think so" or "maybe", even once, "definitely, i'm a good person and i'd want to be around me". Today, i can honestly evaluate where i am and who i am and say, without reserve, NO. No, i would not want to be in my company. I"m not a good person. I fall short in so many areas of my life. I am not where and who and how i want to be.>>>>>>> The people that are in my life would be better off without that part of their lives. I"m not a good addition to anyone's existence. Most that i know would be better off without me....especially if Joe could make his own coffee. His iPhone could wake him in the morning and there are always restaurants for his food (he'd eat more pizza but less beans so it would be a net gain).>>>>>>> My "kid raising" years are past. I have (and have had and will have) minimal contact with my grandson and his mother, not to mention either of my "kids". They all have their own lives and i live too far away. Even when we were all in the same city, i had minimal contact. I cannot blame them. I'd preferentinall hang out with friends too. I'm not that interesting and have little to offer.>>>>>>> I fly tomorrow to Albuquerque to see the kids, grandkid, and my mom and mom-in-law. I hope that the visit goes well and that i don't mess up the visit for others. I pray that God will cover my mouth and curb my reactions so that i am able to take a pause before being the ass that i too often am. I pray for the people that i'll be visiting that i don't decrease their enjoyment of the company of others (three birthday parties and Christmas to celebrate).>>>>>>> I am too old to be this far from where i wanted to be as a person.