where's the $$?

Sometimes you just have to look back at your life and evaluate the choices that you've made. We are all, of course, a product of the choices that we make (or have made for us). Where we live, who we live with, how we live-- all the result of choices. Sometimes, just one little change can have far reaching and obvious effects. Some choices seem clear and true...only to be found wanting later upon further reflection.

Last October, over the Homecoming Weekend for my daughter's school, instead of staying in town for the festivities, we went to Ohio. For two days. We saw Joe's mom and sisters but really went to the state to see my Dad who i was told was "really sick". When we got there, he was a bit thinner and had (he said) less energy. He still managed to out-walk my teens and looked better than most men his age. He still looked like "Dad" to me; not the sick shell that i'd feared finding. I had thought to go there for Christmas too but decided not to spend the time, $$ and energy to travel over the holidays. I'd go in January for his birthday. It would be better to go when the airline rates would be cheaper. When it would be easier to get away and i wouldn't have to take time off work in the busy holiday season.

Yes, i did go in January, the day after his birthday. To his funeral.

Where is the $$ that i saved by not going the summer before? When the kids could have spent time with "grandpa Paul" shooting archery with made-by-me bows? When he was feeling good? When we could have lazed by the porch with the dogs and heard the him tell the same stories that i remember from childhood?

I've worked a lot of shifts at my job lately.

I've not seen that $$ that i "saved" from not visiting my Dad when he would have known me.

And no matter how much $$ i spend now, i cannot buy a ticket that will take me to the place where i can ride bikes with him again. Or walk through his woods ( currently for sale) and talk about everything and nothing. Or share green chile enchiladas with him again and watch him sweat under his eyes because they're so spicy.

I guess the aphorism is true-- money cannot buy happiness.