HISTORY

I later heard this song and, loving the words and how they fit my mood, wanted to post them here. Hope that they make you feel better too. :o)


HISTORY (Matthew West)

Its been a bad day, you've been looking back
And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back
All your mistakes, a world of regrets
All of those moments you would rather forget
I know it's hard to believe
Let me refresh your memory

Chorus:
Yesterday is history
And history is miles away
So leave it all behind you
Let it always remind you of the day
The day that love made history

You know you can't stay right where you fell
The hardest part is forgiving yourself
But let's take a walk into today
And don't let your past get in the way

Would you believe that you are history
In the making, in the making
Every choice that you are making
Every step that you are taking
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
Every word that you are saying
Every prayer that you are praying
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
History is in the making
History is in the making

musical memories....

So, i'm sewing quilts and listening to Joe's IPod, set on random to the AMradio playlist, when a song comes on that so sharply brings back memories that i have to stop sewing and write them down. This is not the first time that this has happened.

What was the song? Billy Joel, Movin' Out.

I was instantly transported to my Ama's living room, with the scent of pre-lo-VOC paint, the vision of drop cloths everywhere and that big old console radio/television armoire that she had. My dad was painting her entire house (favorite son-in-law that he was) and i was just along to keep him company. A song came on and my dad stopped painting to tell me that this was a new artist that he'd just discovered on WEBN (his radio station) and what did i think of him. Billy Joel. An artist that went on to be popular with my dad and many others.

While this exchange may have just been a moment out of his life, certainly not one of the "pivotal parenting moments" that he may or may not have ever flashed back on in reviewing his life, i remembered it always. Just me and my dad, listening to his music and chatting. Nothing special. Nothing that out of the ordinary. Just gives me a twinge to know that i can't call and tell him that i'm thinking of him. Did i do that enough when i could? Does anyone ever know if they do enough until it's too late?

This also got me thinking. Which of today's or tomorrow's little moments will stick out to my kids? The aphorism is that, in raising kids, the hours drag and the years fly by. It's soooo true. We motor through the days, getting done what we "have to do" and look up to realize that the time has flown by.

(OMG, another Billy Joel song has cycled in....i miss my daddy.... when does the crying time pass?)

Gotta go. Hard to type like this. Gotta change the play list.

where's the $$?

Sometimes you just have to look back at your life and evaluate the choices that you've made. We are all, of course, a product of the choices that we make (or have made for us). Where we live, who we live with, how we live-- all the result of choices. Sometimes, just one little change can have far reaching and obvious effects. Some choices seem clear and true...only to be found wanting later upon further reflection.

Last October, over the Homecoming Weekend for my daughter's school, instead of staying in town for the festivities, we went to Ohio. For two days. We saw Joe's mom and sisters but really went to the state to see my Dad who i was told was "really sick". When we got there, he was a bit thinner and had (he said) less energy. He still managed to out-walk my teens and looked better than most men his age. He still looked like "Dad" to me; not the sick shell that i'd feared finding. I had thought to go there for Christmas too but decided not to spend the time, $$ and energy to travel over the holidays. I'd go in January for his birthday. It would be better to go when the airline rates would be cheaper. When it would be easier to get away and i wouldn't have to take time off work in the busy holiday season.

Yes, i did go in January, the day after his birthday. To his funeral.

Where is the $$ that i saved by not going the summer before? When the kids could have spent time with "grandpa Paul" shooting archery with made-by-me bows? When he was feeling good? When we could have lazed by the porch with the dogs and heard the him tell the same stories that i remember from childhood?

I've worked a lot of shifts at my job lately.

I've not seen that $$ that i "saved" from not visiting my Dad when he would have known me.

And no matter how much $$ i spend now, i cannot buy a ticket that will take me to the place where i can ride bikes with him again. Or walk through his woods ( currently for sale) and talk about everything and nothing. Or share green chile enchiladas with him again and watch him sweat under his eyes because they're so spicy.

I guess the aphorism is true-- money cannot buy happiness.

I dislike my son.
I dislike being with him.
I count the days until he can leave (age 16, can be emancipated minor).
How bad of a mother does this make me?

how's your job going #2?

Church today was all about jobs and working and the satisfaction that they can bring. How God wants Man to work and feel satisfaction in doing good things. How good work will bring a good harvest (reap what you sow). I just don't feel like my "work" as a parent is yielding good fruit. No gold stars for a long time. Maybe i just need to work more at the hospital and less at the house. I've already contacted a Molly Maid to come do the housework (which i'll pay for by working more). Now, if i can just hire a handler for the Boy....

how's your job going?

I've always said that i wanted to be a mom who works as a nurse, not a nurse that has some kids at home. For the most part, my kids have always known that being a mom was my job #1 and that my shifts at the hospital were just something that i did (do!) while they're at school and i'd otherwise be home bored. That's all well and good.

One of the reasons that i work is "the gold star". Remember back in kindergarden? The gold star on your paper meant that you'd done a good job. That your work was worthy of a special sticker. Even a smiley face with a red pen was pretty darn good. As an adult, there are fewer and fewer "gold star moments", especially being home, so working at least gives me the opportunity to see that i've done something of merit. Something that justifies my existence.

Being Christian's mom is the anti-gold star.

Nothing that i do is right.

Nothing that i do "works".

He is an angry, petulant, unpleasant child.

I look forward to when he is not around.

I feel bad that i'm looking forward to his going to college/military/jail as this will mean that Alessandra has left. He, however, is so unpleasant that it's not just my life that he negatively impacts. It seems that, like smoke, he infiltrates everything surrounding with his poisonous attitude and behaviors. I almost wish that the police had just taken him away yesterday.

socially stunted?

I am old. I realize it off and on by my behaviors but even more so by the behaviors of others. I just don't understand "this generation" (see? old!!)

I can make plans for an outing.....and actually follow through.

I can call someone, invite them to join me for lunch, put it on a calendar and then show up.

Wowie Zowie!

This is beyond many of my age and certainly those younger.

I have coworkers who have been saying "we really have to get together" for over a year. They are unable to make a time....so busy they are....but really want to get together. Yet, they can tell you who won Dancing With the Stars, what's going on in Lost and who they are cheering for in America's Got Talent (Alex had to supply the names of these shows!). So, what gives?

Alessandra has been trying to get together with her "ice cream gang" but apparently it takes them over a week to line up a time to meet at a Sonic or Baskin Robbins for a cone. Even with all of them having cell phones and being able to text so quickly that their fingers are a blur. Six people. One ice cream shop. Over a week of planning. And they don't even have jobs or kids or spouses! I fear for them in the future.

So, we stayed home last night because our friends were too busy. The family that was to be coming over tonight to go to the high school football game with us and then back here for dinner and games has cancelled. Too much going on. Of course, we only made these plans yesterday (friday) for tonight (saturday) because they cannot think too far in advance. The couple that is supposed to be coming over tomorrow night? Crossing my fingers!

I, on the other hand, was up before dawn today to clean and prepare for tonight's house guests. We have a jello mold (kids) and a cake. We have chicken marinating and foccacia rising. And we have no guests now.

I should just give up and stay with just my little family. With the difficulty that Alessandra is having organizing get-togethers with her peeps, she'll be around. Now, if we can just keep Christian out of the park.....

grandma Amy warned me (prelude)

When i had a son (Christian), Grandma Amy told me (and i quote). "i remember when your dad was little. a little girl will cost you more money for clothes and a wedding and the like. but she will never give you the experience of having to open the door to the police, escorting her home. that's what boys cost you-- grey hairs".

So, after yesterday's experience with my boy, i got my hair colored this morning. Hide the first of those grey hairs that he's bound to be bringing me! :-S

Grandma Amy warned me

So, the phone rings and it's a woman. Alessandra had answered the phone a few minutes earlier and had said that " it was some woman that wanted you...but she wasn't selling anything". By the time that i'd gotten downstairs (i'd been in the shower), the line was dead.
When the phone rang again, i figured that it might be the same person. I thought that it was one of the nurses at work, wanting me to work later that day or even pick up a day during the coming week. Was i ever wrong.

Is this Lisa or Joe? This is Officer Kelley with the Albuquerque Police Department.
I was all ready to say "we already have our charities for this year and will keep you in mind for next year", the standard response to the frequent solicitations for the police department, the animal shelter, injured veterans and the many others that call.
The caller then continued with "We're at the High Desert Park. We have your son Christian and want you to come here. We'll be waiting for you."
Yikes!

Joe and i rushed to the High Desert Park, thinking that perhaps there would be one of the local yokels, the neighborhood security guards. Oh no.

"Real" cops.
With real guns.
Real cop cars.
FOUR real cop cars.
All surrounding our son, sitting on a bench by the semi-circular entrance to the otherwise deserted park.

It seems that Christian was all dressed to go play in the park. A neighbor saw him and called 911. Hence the big turn out of APD.

Christian was dressed head to toe in camouflage. With a burlap sac that he laid under at the park with only his head sticking out. And carrying a "rifle" that he'd made with duct tape and plumbing tubing.

So, a neighbor saw our strapping teenage son, camouflaged head to toe, apparently carrying a rifle, heading to the park and called 911.

The officers that arrived explained to us that if Chrisitian had pointed his fake rifle at them upon their arrival (even accidentally during his imaginary game that he was playing with the imaginary enemy), they would have shot him. "Shoot first, ask later"
being the rule when drawn upon.

Yikes.

It's not like i haven't said over and over and over to Christian that if he dresses all in camo, someone is going to think that he's a terrorist. Does he listen to me? Does anyone listen to me? No.

So, we were called to the park to be told that our son is scaring the neighbors and narrowly missed being shot by the police.

He's thirteen.

What fun awaits us in the coming years?

As Tim Voss used to say, "it's never boring"!